Today I woke up.
I didn't want to wake up but I did. I hate waking up, I hate going to sleep. I hate facing a new day only to have it shove something else at me that I'm not prepared for. I hate the idea of ending the day with sleep just to speed up the process of a new one arriving. I'm giving myself insomnia, and I honestly don’t care.
One day, just one day, I’d like to know what it’s like to not wake up and cry. What it must be like for everyone else to wake up and only worry about how long it will take them to do their make-up and hair and maybe eat some breakfast. My every morning consists of waking up, just waking up, and realising that I woke up and that I'm not dead. Sometimes that’s all. Other mornings I wake up and realize that today I have to go outside, have to talk to people, have to do a task of some description to someone else’s standard that I can never seem to achieve no matter how hard to try. I don’t know what everyone else’s mornings are like but that’s how mine are. I've never once woken up with a smile and been excited for the day ahead of me.
Once the memories swap me it’s worse, memories of a broken childhood, of repeated failures, of people treating me the way you would treat an animal (or something lower), of the lack of kindness I've always been given, of the pain I've suffered and am still suffering and of the fact that I somehow lived to see the sun rise.
I've had this depression for at least six years now, saw a therapist and everything, it didn't help too much. I've thought about and almost executed suicide four times in my short eighteen years of life, and self-harmed for a long time. Hurting myself after years of abuse just felt right, if I didn't receive the physical abuse from others the way I received the verbal abuse then I was going to do it myself. Some days I dragged myself down low enough to do their job for them, tearing myself away with painful words and actions just to feel something familiar.
No I don’t have friends, take a wild guess as to why. I couldn't look past what I’d been living through and they didn't want anything to do with the sadistic weirdo in the corner who never talks or talked too much. Honestly I don’t blame them, I never blamed them. I never blamed anyone for not liking me, I just tried harder. I wanted so damn badly to be loved that I did whatever it took to have a friend, to have a companion and someone that I could take to who was living.
Now I just write. It’s the easiest way to give myself a life, to make me feel like a part of me is living somewhere. That to someone in some-place I matter. In my books I can be the strong one, I can have friends, I can be loved. Although much of the time and far out of my control I end up being the same person in them as I am out of them, shit. Friendless, loveless and without a family.
My boyfriend cares sure but he’s the only person I have to look forward to. My family often fight and that’s usually because I don’t trust any of them with my feelings or thoughts. I've grown accustomed to being torn down, and they’re the only ones I can kind of stand up to. At least my boyfriend loves me so completely and unconditionally, not that I have any idea why. I can’t make him leave though so I'm stuck with him.
So I go to bed trying to think about him so that I have a reason to look forward to waking up, some days it works better than others. I try not to think about how bad tomorrow could be or how dreadfully awful today was, I try not to stay up too late so that if I do wake up the next day that I won’t be useless. Things don’t go smoothly but maybe one day they will, and my partner gives me hope of waking up smiling instead of crying. But secretly I still hope I don’t have to wake up.
One day I’d really like not to wake up.
Today I woke up. 15/09/2014
I woke up and I cried like I do every morning, I walked through everything that I have to achieve for the day and wished the bed could swallow me up and take me out of the world I woke up in. My memories of my failures and the fear of adding more to the list hit me, then the thought of how people will decide they wanted to treat me today and then I curled up a little tighter and clenched my fists till my knuckles turned white. My carpal tunnel caused them to twitch and my fingers released quickly, so I let go of breath I had been holding in and open my eyes. I just lay there for at least ten minutes, watched the time go by, made sure that time wasn't going to magically stop and allow me time to not live. I got out of bed and decided to have a shower, to get up and actually start the day.
I tried to for a moment ignore how I was feeling and just go through the motions. My boyfriend came around and said good morning and printed out some work before leaving again, this may not seem like much but to me it means the world. I tried to work through my morning and just ended up watching videos on YouTube to cheer myself up, already disappointed in myself for not trying harder I walked in silence to school fiddling with my headphones because the left one doesn't work properly and my boyfriend walked out with my only good pair by accident. I sat through my psychology class and did all the work, didn't talk to anyone and no one tried to talk to me. I went to recess and stayed close to my boyfriend, the only person I feel comfortable and not scared to be next to. We went to find a couple of our mutual friends and realized they were setting stuff up for assembly, went and found them and stayed there. Sat through assembly and was upset that it ran over because it meant less time at home to cuddle with him and get some needed work finished. Teacher informed me afterwards that my upcoming literature SAC was two hundred minutes long instead of one hundred, more added stress and a need to reshuffle my entire week. Finally went home and my boyfriend made us lunch and we ate in silence because I was upset and he didn't want to hear me complain. I did some English work and cuddled with him for a minute or two before heading back to school for a SAC. Completed the SAC didn't think I did too well at all, got a piece back that I did earlier in the term, I didn't do well on that either. I went home feeling awful and didn't want to tell my boyfriend because I didn't want to make him upset with me or upset in general. Tried to get work done and instead watched more videos to try and lighten my mood, worked for a short time then I split a part of my jeans. Felt fat and horrible and ate for comfort since I had nothing else, ate dinner and sought out more food. Looked at literature work to do and my new tear in jeans and cried for a long time. Felt utterly hopeless and ugly and fat, I was an utter failure for the day. Sent my literature teacher an email because I was terrified of failing my SAC for literature on Wednesday. Cried some more because of how stupid I was and how fat I had become as of late. Lost all effort in even moving. There was nothing more I could do today.
All my days have been like this, all my days will be like this. Different things will occur but they generally start and end the same. I woke up and cried, I couldn't even work up the effort to move so I cried and lay awake sleepless again.
Right now I'm sitting awake, not doing literature, not doing art work, not doing maths work. On and off crying and wishing the world would swallow me up and take me away. I don’t want to go to sleep because I know that sleep will bring another day that I know I don’t want to face and I know I won’t be able to face. I don’t want to wake up. I live in constant fear of my next few hours of existence. Even if I've been having a nice day I will still fear what the next couple of hours could do to my life, because honestly a lot can happen in a few hours.
Today I woke up.
Tomorrow I will wake up.
I will continue waking up,
and I will continue to wish I didn't.
I don’t want tomorrow to come the same way I wished that today wouldn't come.
I wish that one day I could wake up,
or one night I could go to sleep,
and want to wake up the next day.
That my days wouldn't make me feel worse instead of better,
that people would love me and show me kindness,
that someone will praise me for something I've done,
telling me I've done a good job and they really liked it,
that I won’t want to self-harm or kill myself at the end of the day.
Are these strange things to want?
Are these weird thoughts to want out of a day,
out of a few hours in my life?
Today I woke up.
I wish I hadn't.